Sue took some time to answer a few questions she and Duane are often asked regarding marriage and the home. We pray her answers are a blessing and encouragement to you and your family!

Q: How important would you say it is to pray together as husband and wife and with your children? 

A: The truth is, we would see a lot less divorce if more couples prayed together.  

Duane and I enjoy praying together, and we make time regularly. We didn’t always pray together like we do now because of our schedules. Traveling, the kids, and busyness took much more time, but the amount of time spent is not as important as actually doing it. Don’t let what you can’t do (spend an hour together in prayer) keep you from doing what you can do (spend 15 minutes together in prayer to start the day).  

Praying with your children teaches them the importance of prayer. When you teach/lead your children in little prayers for their friends and little prayers for family members, you are developing their prayer life. Those short little prayers will become more confident and courageous as they grow and mature in their faith.   

Q: How do you make your marriage a priority over careers and children?

A: Making your marriage a priority does not mean neglecting everything else. As a matter of fact, when your marriage is a priority, everything else benefits. Your children benefit from the example of a healthy marriage. Careers benefit from the mental, physical and spiritual well-being that accompanies a strong marriage.

Practically, it takes work. When our children were young, Duane traveled a lot and I got frustrated. Often I felt like I was alone. It wasn’t true, but I felt like it. These were feelings of bitterness that I had to deal with on my side of the marriage. I started seeking the Lord and He helped me change my perspective. I was allowing the enemy to steal time from me, while I was thinking I had no time to be with my husband. It was during this season that the Lord shared a phrase with me that I still operate in today. Maximizing Moments.

I needed to maximize moments with the Lord, but it looked different than I thought it would. I thought I would need to get up at 5 am to pray, but then a kid would get up. So I tried at 4 am, but a kid would get up. By 3 am I was done, and the Lord said, “Look, I’m with you all the time anyway, why can’t you be with me?” It was a game changer. Driving the kids to school, fixing dinner, and vacuuming became times I spent with the Lord. Doing the laundry was my favorite time because you know, nobody wants to be around when laundry is being done. So laundry wasn’t a chore, but a special time I spent with the Lord, hearing Him for my marriage and my family. 

Duane and I learned, because of our schedules, how to maximize the moments we had together. We learned to be fully present with each other and with the family. AND we learned to treat each other and our marriage like the incredible gift God created for His purpose. 

Q: How do you set firm and clear boundaries with your in-laws when they’re overstepping? 

I’ll start this answer with a little bit of context. My issue was with my mother-in-law constantly telling my husband what he needs to do, even though it wasn’t what he and I had agreed on. My struggle was to respect and honor her while setting healthy boundaries. 

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” In other words, an adult can say, “Mom and Dad, I need you to back off, because my spouse and I want a good relationship, and this (the specific situation) is going to hinder our relationship. We want the grandchildren to be able to visit with you, but this (the specific behavior) could hinder your relationship with the grandchildren. 

You may feel like those statements are threats, but they are simply promises. Saying, “You, as my parent, taught me to understand your boundaries and to expect consequences. Your behavior/situation is causing problems in our home, so I’m fixing it. Here’s the boundaries. Here’s the consequences.”

One of the greatest things you teach your children is to take responsibility and own up to their own decisions, even poor life choices. It’s important, but they won’t like it. It works the same with your in-laws, but they aren’t going to like it either. 

My mother-in-law would get angry with me because I didn’t call her. But when she called me she would kind of cuss me out—every time. One day I addressed it with her. I said, “Look, it’s really simple. The reason I don’t call you, is not because I don’t love you, it’s because I just don’t like being cussed out. So here’s the deal. I’m going to hang up here in a minute and I’m going to call you, but with the following boundaries. You’re going to talk to me, we’re going to have a great conversation, and you’re not going to cuss me out. Then I’ll call again.”

Sure enough, I hung up and called her back a few days later. She didn’t like that part too much, because she thought I was going to call her right back. I needed her to REALLY think about it. Thankfully, we had a great conversation and she did not cuss me out, but had I not laid down the boundaries, and the consequences, I couldn’t have dealt with her respectfully. 

She needed to know that I wasn’t going to live in contention with her. I told her, “I love you, but we’re going to have a civil conversation.” And she never broke that rule again. You need to hold your parents accountable to the things they taught you. 

Q: Could you give some clarity to the scripture that says your body is not your own in marriage? How does this apply? How do we walk this out?  

A: When Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that the authority over your body belongs to your spouse, it doesn’t mean your spouse can abuse your body or override your free will or conscience. I think it really boils down to communication and learning to communicate. 

Sexuality is probably the hardest conversation to have. However, it is one of the most beautiful ways to build trust and security in your marriage. When you can be honest about your feelings, what’s going on with you and why, you can honor one another. The key is to really listen to each other, then talk about what you heard and how you feel about it. 

Active communication builds a bond that goes beyond the act of sex. It builds trust and security that is very precious in a marriage relationship. If you can express what’s going on inside you and then communicate it into your relationship, you will open your marriage up to a whole new level. There’s always the possibility of misunderstanding, miscommunicating,  and misjudging, but when you look and listen through a heart of love, you can work through it to a deeper place of intimacy. 

Q: How do you know when you’re ready for marriage as a couple?

A: Duane has a book, Better Together, and we recommend it to any couple thinking about marriage. Communication before marriage is extremely important. Priority questions are: Can you communicate now, when things are relatively rosy? Can you talk about tough things? Are you satisfied or frustrated at the end of your conversations (both of you)?

I know for us, we spent a lot of time communicating before marriage. We asked each other a lot of questions. How did we see life going? What did we want out of life? What were some of our visions? What were some of our goals and dreams? And could we follow those with each other? This brings up a major issue to address together: Whether you can honor each other’s dreams, even if they never come to pass. Some of our dreams came to pass, but in totally different forms than we expected before marriage. But can you work together through that? Can you connect with your vision for life and commit to work together toward it. 

Q: How do you rekindle trust and forgiveness if boundaries and respect for one another have been broken?  

A: Prayer would be my answer, but there are creative ways to pray. Pray for your husband, pray for yourself and ask the Lord how to handle this. Ask the Lord how to become a better wife, and how to draw your husband out. Allow God to give you some creative ideas for how to minister in that situation. 

God cares about your marriage as much, actually more than you do. He wants your marriage to be a loving, trusting place for both you and your spouse. He’s going to be right there for you.

Q: How did you navigate keeping connection in your marriage without being overstimulated when you had children in the home?

A: The first key is to be self aware, and realize when you have reached a tipping point. There is great value in pausing to count to ten. When you realize you’re in a heightened state of frustration and things aren’t getting done like you want them to, just stop. 

My go-to option during this situation is to pray in the spirit. If I know I’m in a heightened state of either dealing with pressure or emotions, I start praying in the spirit. It doesn’t need to be outloud for it to calm me and help me get recalibrated to the Lord. Pretty soon, the situation is no longer stressful and I can allow Him to help me walk through it. 

Everybody deals with stressful situations differently. Some people know that music (worship) helps, some people listen to the Word. Praying in the spirit worked for me because I could do it anytime, anywhere, and whatever the situation. I could pause, start praying in the spirit, and it didn’t take long to feel peace.

There is also value in counting to 10, and never underestimate the power of repentance. Apologies. I’m sorry. I’m big on short prayers and being quick to repent and quick to forgive. Saying, “I’m sorry, that was a bad attitude. You don’t deserve that,” can go a long way in a relationship. 

“Please forgive me and will you pray for me? I’ll do better.” Most spouses will respond kindly, and really appreciate the humility. Frustration happens to everybody, so be quick to say, I’m sorry. Practice treating your spouse like they deserve better. 

Q: Am I wrong to want to grow old near our grown kids and grandkids? 

A: Living near your kids doesn’t guarantee you get to be with them or your grandkids. We live a half a mile from our oldest son, and we probably see him the least, just because of life. It’s not because of issues or problems, it’s just life. You, as a grandparent, need to be strategic in spending time with your grandchildren and God can give you creative ideas. 

In this day and age, there are ways to be with your grandchildren that I never dreamed possible. We have some dear friends who live in Germany, and their grandkids live in France. They actually FaceTime to read stories to their grandchildren and spend time with them. 

One of our campus pastors has a grandchild who lives in Korea, yet they FaceTime every day to be together. Be strategic and purposeful in the time spent with your children and grandchildren. But let me also encourage you. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed having our kids out of the house and being simply husband and wife. Our relationship has become even better and we are continuing to be a testimony to our children and our grandchildren of what a healthy marriage and family life looks like. 

Q: Any last tidbits?  

A: It’s not going to happen overnight, and it’s not ever going to be perfect, but a strong, healthy marriage is possible. Just take those first steps with determination and put into practice what you have learned. It will make a huge, huge difference and you will be thankful when you look back on those hard times. I promise you will thank God that you stuck it out. 

Marriage is not easy. It is hard work, but it is worth everything you put into it. I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything in the world.

For more information on the Purpose of Marriage or to order Brother Duane’s book Better Together click HERE

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